You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
