So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why is your signature on my underwear?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
