I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
