if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
