Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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