I hate your face
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize