So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
