Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
