Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
