All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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