If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
