I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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