i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
