I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
