drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
