guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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