she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
