FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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