Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
