did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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