He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
