There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We have so much sex to catch up on
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
