Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Did I show you my penis last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
