apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
this will be a night to untag.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
