After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
