And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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