I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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