bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
