I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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