You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
