I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Panties = found
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
