Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize