And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
