Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
