the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You are a genius and a whore.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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