Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
