he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
