my mouth tastes like poor choices
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
