i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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