I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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