Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
