Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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