also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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