I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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