how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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