his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
