I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize