I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize