Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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