I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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