I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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