Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize