I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
