mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
