Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
