my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
