Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize