i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
