Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
