Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
