How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
