I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
