If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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