I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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