He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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