He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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