i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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