I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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