I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
